Tue, Jul. 1st, 2008, 10:45 am
This evening I'm feeling truly depressed. The kind of depression that one feels deeply to the core of his being. It's an actual weight in my chest. If I dwell on this even just a little a spiral nose dive into truly life endangering behavior would result. This won't happen because I have an intellectual grasp of the situation and know this feeling will pass.
The interesting thing is that today has actually been a good one. There has been absolutely no cause for this depression. Things are actually going well. Lately I have been re-contacting friends who I've been out of contact with for some time. Work is going well, it's the challenge I've needed for awhile now. Things are good. No cause for depression.
So what is it? I have to believe that these feelings come from a biological imbalance of some sort. I'm not posessed by demons or any such archaic theory. I will not start a regimine of psych meds to balance it out because I don't those drugs in my body for spiritual reasons. (please understand I don't mean "religious" reasons. I'm not Tom Cruise-esque for Christs sake) I believe that psych meds will totally screw with my psychic development. Maybe I'll blog more about that later.
I'm left with the task of just pushing through these instances and making the best of it through these times. They generally don't last long and since I am able to name the problem, it is easier to deal with. I will be bigger than my mood.
All Avant Garde and shit.
It's been a minute since I've posted a blog here. It's kind of nice being back. When I switched over to MySpace it was an attempt to obtain a larger readership. Not sure if I was successful with that or not, perhaps I just need to do a better job of networking here on LJ.
Not that I wanted to take the world by storm, nor do I think that what I have to say is all that amazing. Just wanted to feel like I was being heard. Sounds kind of vain doesn't it? I guess that's the key reason that any of us write words on the www. We all think our words are worth being read by others. At least that's a factor.
Before I totally nosedive into rambling territory I would like to mention a rather significant life thing that just occurred. I just broke up with a guy whom I'd been seeing since around July of 2007. He's a terrific man and I was lucky to spend the time with him that I did. There was no specific happenstance that led to the break up. Over time I just came to realize that this wasn't a life long type of situation. Even though he was totally in love with me, I did not feel that same for him. It's just that simple really. I tried. Just to re-iterate there was no flaw on his part that kept my love from developing. It just simply wasn't there.
There was definitely a purpose in our paths crossing. He awoke in me the spiritual aspect of my life that I'd allowed to become dormant. I had come to realize that I could be both gay and spiritual but it wasn't until Danny came along that the realization became reality.
We spent a wonderful holiday season together and for that I'll be ever thankful. He helped me so much in the projects around the house and was a constant source of support when I needed it. He did alot of things for me but unfortunately "acts" don't create love. No matter how hard I tried to make myself return his affections, it never flowed naturally. I truly believe this is no fault of either person. It just wasn't meant to be.
I will take all the good from our time together and count myself lucky for experiencing it. The whole relationship has been added to my book of life and has been a very good chapter. I truly hope that after the hurt has subsided and the dust settled, he will be open to my friendship. Right now that isn't possible. But when he's ready, I'll be here.
Wed, Nov. 21st, 2007, 06:40 pm
Sun, Nov. 11th, 2007, 10:40 am