Fri, Jul. 7th, 2006, 12:41 pm
Last night I was resigned to the fact that I wouldn't wake up today. Have you even mentally prepared yourself for death, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that your time is up and nothing you can do or say will stop it from happening? During this "dream" last night I was wide awake, this I know because I don't remember dreams anymore.
Initially I woke up coughing and wheezing with phlegm rattling around in my chest. The coughing had produced a little acid in my throat and it was burning. Went to the bathroom, blew my nose and drank some water. When I laid back down for some reason I laid down on my back, which I never ever do. I went to roll over and couldn’t. When I did eventually roll over onto my side I did so in a very mechanical fashion and ended up stiff as a board from head to toe, then had a sensation like I was being picked up by some kind of assembly line machine and carried along. These kind of sensations continued until I realized that I was going to be used up and left to die and no one would know what had happened to me, it would just look like I’d died in my sleep. I couldn’t call out or anything. I’d left my phone on and I knew I could reach it to dial for help, but I couldn’t move. This morning my chest hurts and my throat is raw from all the coughing and the acidy phlegm. I had the feeling that the coughing was from something they were doing to me inside my torso.
If this is what my dreams are like then I don't think I want to remember them.
Just realized I never made an entry about the Memorial day visitor. It went o.k. Yeah, just o.k. No big fireworks or earth shattering explosions. He's a nice guy but there just wasn't enough spark to try and maintain a 5 hour distance between us. We'll stay in contact I'm sure but that's about it.
I know, I know. All that nervousness and build up, for nothing. It's what I do people, it's what I do.
Thu, Jun. 8th, 2006, 10:33 am
Officially funktafied. Not real sure why unless it's just the normal effect from large life changes and adjusting to all the new stimulae. One would think that positive change would result in a positive mental state, but that's not always the case. Sometimes we have to mourn the loss of what we had, even if it wasn't the best situation. The fact is that in my new apartment I am alone all the time, which I do enjoy but the companionship I shared before is being mourned even though it got on my nerves more often than not. There's also the much larger expense of living on my own. Currently I have $40.00 to get me through the next week and at $3.00 a gallon in gas, that's not going to get me far. the good thing is that I do have enough groceries, etc. to eat so barring any unforeseen circumstances, I should be o.k. ...should. I can't stress "should" enough. Unforeseen circumstances, especially regarding money issues are my life specialty.
Last night I totally bailed on a good friend without calling her. I also skipped play rehearsal without calling. I stopped at home after work just to do a couple things with every intention of going back out and doing everything else I had to do that evening. Then it just hit me. I couldn't go back out again. Couldn't even move toward the door. Almost as if there were concrete blocks tied to my feet, motivation was not coming.
So today there will be much grovelling and apologizing, which I detest. But it's necessary because I was totally and utterly in the wrong. I hate eating crow.
My stress level is through the roof right now. My blood pressure has had a vein in my temple popped out all week and my head has been threatening to explode.
Why? you ask?
1) M.S. arrives from Toledo tomorrow and I'm pretty sure he'll get queasy when he sees me in person and that's gonna suck
2) The fact that I'm so fat that it's likely I'll make someone queasy is really getting to me.
3) Work is bullshit and I'm fucking tired of it.
4) Moving a week from tomorrow and I have nothing but a papasan chair and some cleaning supplies. Nothing. I'm not exagerating. Nada, zilch. No furniture, no bed, nothing to set my t.v. on... nothing. Do you understand the extreme nothingness of my belongings? I've had all these things in the past but moving in with the same person twice in two years left me with the need to get rid of it all. TWICE! I'm so fucking sick of starting over.
5) Did I mention my fatness?
6) I have NO time for the play that I'm. Rehearsals are sucking time out of my schedule that would be better used doing a gazillion other things. Because of this play and one or two other things, if things DO go well with M.S. i won't be able to go visit him until August.
I need some Tylenol. No, actually I NEED a valium, a vicodin and a strong vodka/cranberry (The Holy Trinity). But they frown on such toxicity in the work place so I'll go with a Tylenol for now... FOR NOW.